A District Gentleman's Primer for Etiquette through the MLS Cup

With D.C. United eliminated, the uncomfortable specter of seeing an MLS Cup played in RFK without our team present is now an inevitability. While such situations may be socially awkward, it is not a scenario that people of good breeding should find insurmountable. Indeed, with tact and aplomb, we can still represent the finest traditions of D.C. United fandom even without D.C. United being around. First, some simple guidelines.

To Thine Own-self Be True: A gentleman will not find some sad, pale proxy of devotion for the remainder of these events. There is no call to adopt from phantom necessity another team to support. Your colors, as befits a gentleman, remain black. Eschew orange, sky blue, navy and red, or red and white. Black is a testament not only to your devotion to United, but also serve as a sober expression of mourning. Such things are appropriate. To root for any other team is to fling oneself at a brightly colored trollop, and is unbecoming for a true United fan. If one has family or close friends from Kansas City, Houston, Boston, or Chicago, then simple and reserved expressions of support are sufficient. However, as we are assuming a certain degree of class and taste, I find it unlikely that any of you have such poor associates.

The Play's The Thing: We shall not allow ourselves to be blinded by our own petty prejudices. While Matt Reis is still a gutter class thug, and Mr. White too frequently takes to the pitch suffering from the vapors, gentlemen of taste and discretion can still appreciate the moments of ingenuity these men can produce. As Petrarch once noted in De Vita Solitaria, "anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the Dark Side." We will offer polite appreciation for the rare moments of class that we see displayed in future events.

The Cat Will Mew, the Dog Will Have His Day: If, after reading this most sage advice, the reader still finds the need the harbor fortune for one of the remaining teams, then I submit to you that your choices belong to either Kansas City or New England. In such cases, one can choose a higher motivation than simply "liking" (what a coarse word!) one of the other teams. Indeed, if it were simple on such a basis then I would no doubt clothe myself in a ten gallon hat and fake red mustache with a Holland jersey. However, Houston is not to be wished for, as it would be unfaithful to United's legacy as only repeating champions. No, if one must adopt a team, then Kansas City may be safely chosen, as your support for Kansas City can be represented as a statement of political convenience, a way of renouncing the silly rules that sent the worst seed to play in an easier conference. Given that Kansas City is likely to be playing the role of Carlos Ruiz's head to the Ricardo Clarks of the world, then one may also support New England. Their consistent appearances in the Eastern Conference final without fully realizing their ambitions have become tedious, and such gluttony can not be abided for long. Let them win the cup this year, and then cry "Enough!"